LIFE BEHIND THE GLASS WALL
A mother's journey through despair to hope, healing & ministry.

By Constance Hale

In my wildest dreams I never imagined I would tell this story. I am a parent of three adult boys, the wife of a loving husband, and a school teacher of 32 years. This is a story of survival, the power of hope in the midst of sorrow, and of life beyond the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

At 17, my eldest son Christopher came home from high school making bizarre comments and exhibiting strange behaviour. I dismissed it as typical teenage behaviour. But then his thoughts became more confused. He began expressing the delusions that plagued his mind. One day he lost complete control and began smashing windows and doors. Christopher ended up in the hospital and we received the heartbreaking news that our firstborn son suffered from schizophrenia. The long, dark journey began.

For nine years now, Christopher has lived behind a glass wall. I call it a glass wall because with mental illness you can see and even get very close to the person, but you cannot touch them. I put my hand on the glass wall and he puts his up to touch mine, but I cannot feel the warmth of his hand. He is in a world that I cannot enter, or even understand. Schizophrenia is not about having a split personality, as many may think. It’s a disease where one splits or separates oneself from the real world.

In our attempts to save our son, we faced two obstacles.

The first was the law. During one of Christopher’s violent episodes, we discovered that a person 18 or older cannot be hospitalized against their wishes unless arrested for a crime and evaluated. To our horror, we had to have our son arrested in order to remove him from our home and get some help for him.

The second obstacle, unexpectedly, was the church. If you are diabetic and your pancreas malfunctions, you are given insulin. The church does not hesitate to pray for you without judgment. If you have a heart condition and you need medication and rest, the church will send meals to your house for weeks until you are better. If your illness is in your brain, however, many well-meaning Christians think you have a demon. Can you imagine the horror a God-fearing mother feels when she is told her son is possessed?
Labelling mental illness as a spiritual issue rather than a physical one only makes the chasm between the church and affected families wider than ever. Our friends and church members understandably didn’t know how to approach us or what to say. But as the body of Christ, we must learn how to be more compassionate. I felt helpless and wrestled with a sorrow that words could not express.

My precious son was mentally ill. I felt ashamed and struggled with questions: “Was this disease caused by my poor parenting?” “If I had been more spiritual, read my Bible and prayed more, could I have prevented this terrible tragedy?” These thoughts from the enemy drove me into an even deeper hopelessness. While other parents told me how their children were going to university and Bible college, my son was in a psychiatric ward for the mentally ill. Shame always renders us powerless. It makes us feel unworthy. It prevents us from connecting with others. That is precisely the plan of Satan—to isolate and then watch as guilt and shame destroy the soul.

One day the sense of hopelessness overcame me and I sat on my bed and wept from the depths of my soul. I thought my life was over. That was the day God gave me the grace to truly surrender my son to Him—the day I chose hope over despair. I surrendered. I took what was precious to me and released it from my control. Then I embraced the love of Jesus and rested in the outcome. That was the hardest part.

Christopher is now 26 years old, living at home on medication, and functioning to the best of his ability. I still pray for God to heal him. In the meantime, God has healed and forever changed me. I see the world differently. I realize that life is a short, unpredictable journey. We need to tell our stories and use our gifts and influence to help others.
 

Can also be found at:
http://testimonymag.com/testimonymag/sept07.htm